


Blink Out

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Fluff and Smut, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:41:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: When Die sat down the rest of the band after rehearsal one day and came out as gay, no one was really surprised. Well, almost no one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Dir en grey or profit from this nonsense at all.  
> This got a lot longer and angstier than I ever originally intended, but it will work out, don't worry.

When Die sat down the rest of the band after rehearsal one day and came out as gay, no one was really surprised. Toshiya actually applauded. The whole thing was casual and only took a few minutes, Die telling them it didn’t change anything and making a joke about how wanting to be “straight” with all of them had motivated him to get it out in the open. They laughed and offered some words of support, reassuring him that they didn’t anticipate any awkwardness. Only Kaoru muttered a little apologetically that it was probably best for Die to keep it pretty much on the down-low, unsure how it would go over with management or with the fan base. Die nodded easily; he’d already figured as much, but felt that he at least wanted the band in on this rather important aspect of his identity. Then there were some murmurs of acknowledgment and some hugs and, one by one, they split off and left the studio, going to take care of whatever else they had going on today.

Well, the truth is, _almost_ no one was surprised. Soon it was just Kyo left sitting at the table in the little conference room Die had pulled them all into. He still hadn’t said anything, and when everyone else had gone to clean up and store their equipment he’d stayed right where he was. Somehow he couldn’t quite get it to register in his mind. How could _Die_ be gay? Almost anyone else he would have accepted so easily, but Die? Honestly he wasn’t totally sure why he was having such a hard time understanding it, but it just didn’t seem possible.

Die had gone to pack up his things. He thought everyone had left and was on his way to the elevator when he noticed the light still on in the conference room. Thinking it had been left on by mistake he opened the door to turn it off, but instead he saw Kyo sitting there staring at the table with his brows furrowed. Apparently he hadn’t moved from his spot since they’d all been in there almost twenty minutes ago. Come to think of it, Die realized Kyo hadn’t said anything in response to his coming out. He cleared his throat a little nervously, hoping it would get the vocalist’s attention.

It did, and Kyo seemed to snap out of it. He looked up at Die, his face totally neutral. “Hey. Heading out?”

Die nodded. “Are you staying longer?”

“Nah, I’m just gonna get my things now,” Kyo said, finally standing up, taking his jacket from where he’d draped it over the back of his chair.

“Okay. I’ll see you then.” Die looked at him a moment longer as he put his jacket on. He was about to go but then his nerves wouldn’t let him and he turned back, leaning against the doorframe. “Kyo? Um, are you okay? With me, and everything?”

Kyo had just pushed in his chair and was halfway to the door when Die’s words stopped him. He looked up at Die, meeting his eyes, expression still unreadable. “Hm? Of course.” He gave him a small, close-lipped smile, and moved past him out the door to collect his things from where he’d left them in the rehearsal space.

Such a response didn’t do much to settle Die’s nerves, but he accepted that Kyo wasn’t really a big talker, nor was he one for getting touchy-feely about something like this. Rather he was someone who valued honesty, and if he said he was fine with it, then he’d have to take him at his word. Die flicked the light off in the conference room and let the door close behind him as he headed back down the hall to the elevators.

Kyo didn’t have a lot of equipment to pack up, having put his mic and accompanying cables away earlier. He just made sure his notebook, pen, and the revised lyrics he’d printed out today were tucked safely into his messenger bag, and then slung it over his shoulder and locked up as he left. His mind was still trying frantically to make sense of Die’s revelation. He hadn’t lied when he’d told Die he was okay with it, of course. It didn’t matter to him whether Die was attracted to women or men, why should it? He supposed he’d just always seen Die as so… masculine and— immediately he scolded himself inwardly. He knew perfectly well that masculinity had nothing to do with one’s sexuality. But didn’t he always have girls all over him? It certainly had always seemed that way to Kyo, although he didn’t have any evidence that Die had ever actually taken those girls home, or returned an attraction to them.

As he pressed the button to call the elevator, Kyo found he was getting more and more irritated with his own thoughts. Why was he obsessing over this anyway? It obviously wasn’t his place to judge and it didn’t make a real difference to him one way or the other. It also was raising some questions for Kyo though with regards to himself. He hadn’t actually ever thought to consider his sexuality so far as to put a label on it. He’d generally been attracted to women, but there was no reason to think he _couldn’t_ potentially be attracted to a man, given the right circumstances. The idea didn’t repulse him or anything. _Well, bisexuality is a thing, right?_ he thought, as he rode the elevator down to the ground floor. This wasn’t exactly where he’d meant for his thoughts to go either, but at least he wasn’t hyper-focusing on Die’s personal life anymore.

At his age, he had pretty much assumed he was straight, since he’d only ever dated women, but people realized things later in life all the time. After all, here was Die, only coming out now. Although who was to say how long he had known he was gay before he decided it was time to inform the rest of the band? Kyo frowned at this thought as he crossed the street to the parking garage where he’d left his car. How long _had_ Die been keeping it from them? Not, of course, that he owed them any kind of information about his private life like that. But Kyo couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt that maybe Die didn’t trust them, didn’t trust _him,_ enough to let them in on it sooner. He might have been out to his family or other friends for fifteen years and never bothered to tell the people he’d worked with for so long. A pang of jealousy went through him. Did Die’s _other_ band know? Had he told the members of DECAYS first? Maybe he’d brought his boyfriend around and introduced them.

Kyo suddenly stopped walking, though he was still a good 20 feet away from his car. Did Die have a boyfriend?? He hadn’t mentioned one, but maybe that’d been why he had come out, maybe he was leading up to it. This idea made Kyo irrationally hurt and angry. He finished the walk to his car, pulling the back door open almost viciously. Die had a secret boyfriend that he’d been hiding from them for fifteen years and that everyone else in his life knew about, all because he didn’t trust his Dir en grey bandmates, probably specifically Kyo! He threw his bag onto the backseat and slammed the door. How could he hide something so important from them?? He had his phone in his hand, ready to call Die and confront him before he realized he was being completely unreasonable. He’d really let his thoughts get away from him. He put the phone back into his jeans pocket and leaned against the side of his car for a minute, letting himself calm down. Why was he acting like this? As he finally opened the driver’s door and settled himself behind the wheel, he decided that this was the end of his irrational behavior. He was determined from here on out to be happy for Die coming to terms with this part of himself, and leave it at that.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks it was clear that Die really was happier. He seemed much more relaxed and he was becoming increasingly comfortable with letting mentions of himself as a gay man drop casually into conversation. The rest of the band was pretty comfortable with it too, more amused than anything else. Kyo tried to take his cues from the other members when it was time to laugh or offer encouragement. His brain couldn’t seem to keep up with this particular subject; he’d get hung up on little things, like Die’s side-comment revelation that he preferred bottoming (though he wasn’t opposed to topping occasionally), and would be trying so hard not to let his mind wander down some tangential path that he’d lose his grip on whatever everyone else was talking about. 

He still hadn’t managed to glean if Die had a boyfriend or how long he’d been out in his life outside the band, and somehow, much as he tried desperately to ignore it, this continued to eat away at him and he’d find himself glaring at Die for no reason as scenarios of some kind of imaginary betrayal irrationally plagued him. He was especially distracted by such thoughts one afternoon during an interview they were doing for a rock magazine, although he didn’t realize just how much he’d been glowering in Die’s direction until they’d finished thanking the interviewer and staff and were making their way outside. Kyo had taken a taxi there and Die had offered to give him a ride home and now as they walked to Die’s car, the guitarist lightly nudged his arm.

“What’s up? You mad at me for something?”

“What?” Kyo said.

“The whole interview you were looking at me like you were trying to incinerate my brain using just your eyes,” Die said, with a sideways look at him. 

_Shit_ , Kyo thought. “Was I? I didn’t notice, I’m sorry.”

Die unlocked the car, opening the door and getting in on the driver’s side. “It’s fine, I just wondered where your head was at.”

Kyo climbed into the passenger seat, buckled his seatbelt, and fidgeted a little before awkwardly blurting out, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Die raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised. “…That’s why you’re giving me dirty looks?”

“Not exactly.”

Die scoffed, starting the car. He shook his head, “No, I do not have a boyfriend.”

Kyo felt the slightest sense of relief. He looked out the window. “But you’ve had boyfriends in the past?”

Die glanced over at his bandmate, but he was turned away from him. “One or two. Where is this all coming from?”

Kyo shrugged. “I guess I couldn’t shake this idea that… maybe you’d been out to everyone else for years, and we were the last to know. Maybe you had a boyfriend you were waiting to reveal and that’s why you’d finally had to tell us too.” He shrugged again. “I guess it’s been kind of bothering me.”

“I see,” Die said, pursing his lips. “Well, not many other people know. A couple of my sisters, who I’m closer with. I only really admitted it to myself maybe three years ago.”

Kyo continued looking out the window. “Three years? Why did you wait so long to tell us?”

“I don’t know,” Die said. “Because it wasn’t really any of your business? I mean, no offense.”

Kyo shook his head. “No, you’re right, it isn’t. I’m sorry for prying.”

“No, I don’t mind, I’m open about it now,” Die said. “I guess I just wasn’t ready to share this stuff with you guys when I was still figuring it out so much, and I’m more comfortable with it now so it’s okay.”

“That makes sense,” Kyo nodded. “I just thought… maybe you didn’t trust us or something.”

“No!” Die said at once. “No, that’s not it at all, I have to trust you guys, you’re my family, honestly. I just needed some time.”

“Yeah, I get that. Sorry for… taking personally something that belongs entirely to you,” Kyo said, finally looking over at Die. “’s’not about me, I’m just being weird, sorry.”

Die smiled a little. “It’s okay. I’m glad you’re talking to me about it if it’s been bugging you.”

After a moment Kyo asked, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend though?”

“What, right now?”

“Yeah. I mean obviously you could get one really easily.”

Die snorted. “Let’s just say… my heart’s a little tied up right now.”

Something in Kyo’s stomach clenched, though he couldn’t tell why. “Meaning what exactly? You’re interested in someone?”

“I am, but it’s definitely not going anywhere. He’s straight as a line,” Die said, turning off the main road, into the area with more residential buildings where Kyo’s apartment complex was.

“Who is it?” Kyo asked.

Die opened his mouth, then grimaced slightly. “You know, maybe I shouldn’t tell you.”

“Why? Is it someone I know?”

“No, no, no,” Die said quickly. He wet his lips. “Just it might be weird for you.”

Kyo’s eyebrows lowered. “How would it be weird for me if I don’t even know him?”

“I just don’t want you to have to, like, worry about it. Nothing’s happening with it anyway,” Die said again. He pulled up in front of Kyo’s building. “Just forget it.”

Kyo frowned, but he couldn’t really sit there in Die’s car and argue with him, so he nodded. “Thanks for the ride.” He got out of the car and waved as he went up to the door of his building, letting himself in.

He took the stairs up to his floor, feeling both relieved and more uneasy about Die than before. He was inexplicably glad that Die wasn’t dating anyone and yet the idea that he was pining after someone and wouldn’t tell Kyo who it was made him feel all twisted up inside. Why had Die been so weird about it? Was it someone he knew or wasn’t it? If it wasn’t, it shouldn’t have been uncomfortable for him to say who it was. If it was someone Kyo knew, why not just say so? It’s not like he’d do anything to make the situation awkward.

As he reached his apartment and went about unlocking the door, a thought crept up on him and he pushed it down, burying it under whatever else was lying around in his brain. He wasn’t ready to deal with that possibility yet. He wasn’t sure he ever would be, and for all he knew he would never need to be. Die had done nothing to suggest that the person he was interested in was him.

* * *

 

The following week they had a couple of concerts, but they were local and Kyo was always happier when they didn’t have to be actively touring. He always picked up some kind of tour funk and spent half the time battling one sickness or another, cranky and exhausted. At least when they had shows closer to home he could come back afterwards and sleep in his own bed.

Tonight, he showed up at the venue earlier than usual, getting through his mic check and settling in front of the mirror in the dressing room to work on his makeup. He took off his shirt and hung it on the back of his chair so he wouldn’t get any powder or anything on it, and stood up leaning close to the mirror so he could be sure his eye makeup was even.

The others started showing up not long after he started, each going through their own routines, Shinya spending a surprising amount of time on his hair considering that he would spend the entire live tossing his head around and messing it up anyway. When Die came in, he called out a greeting, and set his stuff down, then headed right to where Kyo was leaning over the counter. He smirked at him in the mirror and leaned down to say, “Telling you this as your friend, and as a gay man: your ass looks amazing in those pants.”

Kyo felt himself blushing immediately, and one hand moved back unconsciously to rest on his rear end. “Yeah?”

Die nodded earnestly, allowing his gaze to travel down again to where Kyo’s hand was resting. Kyo had on some tight black skinny jeans which rode low on his hips and Die had to admire where his back dipped in before curving back out into the swell of his ass. He resisted the temptation to grab a handful of it and said, “It’s nice. You’ve been hiding it a lot lately, wearing those longer shirts.” He pulled eyeliner out of his makeup bag and set to work.

Kyo didn’t know what to think of Die’s observation of his fashion habits. He wasn’t uncomfortable with Die’s comments; he didn’t even seem to be hitting on him, just stating facts. After a moment, he just said, “Yeah, I guess so.” When he finished his makeup, he tucked it all into his small duffel bag, along with his shirt. He’d been planning to wear it in the concert, but he’d changed his mind, though he wasn’t about to thoroughly examine his reasons for having done so. His tattoos were better displayed this way anyway.

The concert went by smoothly, uneventfully. Kyo’s voice wasn’t bothering him overmuch even at the end of it. When it was over he took a quick shower, enjoying the steam for his throat and sinuses, and then came back to the dressing room to fix his hair. 

When he got there, Kaoru seemed to be giving Die a miniature lecture. Something about his guitar playing, though Kyo certainly hadn’t noticed any issues with it during the performance.Kaoru was a bit of a perfectionist though, so maybe he and Die were not as in step with each other as he wanted them to be. Kyo went about finishing getting dressed, trying not to eavesdrop too much. Toshiya seemed to be doing the same, and Shinya had already slipped out for the night. Kyo pulled a t-shirt and a sweater out of his bag, leaving on the jeans he’d been wearing. He glanced at Toshiya, trying to ask him what Kaoru was so upset about without having to use words.

Toshiya caught Kyo’s look and let out a small huff of air as he moved close enough to whisper, “Die was, like, kind of distracted today?” He shrugged, adjusting a ring on his finger. “Not like anything happened, but the three of us could have been tighter. I already got my lecture, too.” He rolled his eyes and moved back to the section of counter where his bag sat, cramming a couple more items into it before he threw it over one shoulder and waved to the others, calling out an “otsukaresama deshita!” and leaving the dressing room. 

When Toshiya left, Kaoru seemed to realize he’d been talking Die’s ear off for a while. He kind of nodded at him and squeezed his shoulder, and then left the dressing room as well, having a few more things to take care of before he could leave the venue for the night. As soon as he was gone, Die slumped into a chair with a heavy sigh.

Kyo was zipping up his bag and looked at Die in the mirror. “You good?”

Die didn’t look at him. “Sure, dandy.”

Kyo gave him a sympathetic look, even if he couldn’t see it. “Yeah well. You know how Kaoru is.”

“I do,” Die said, another sigh following. “Are you leaving now?” He looked up to see Kyo with his bag over his shoulder.

“Um yeah, I was gonna get a cab home,” Kyo said. “Did you need something?”

Die shook his head. Then he paused. “Actually, um. Maybe.”

Kyo shifted a little, pulling at the too-long sleeve of his sweater. “What’s up?”

“Do you think we could talk? I can give you a ride home, if you want.”

Kyo nodded, a little worried crease between his brows. “Sure, thanks. You don’t have some party to get to?”

Die snorted as he started collecting his belongings and dropping them into his bag. “Not really in the mood.” He shrugged and stripped off his shirt, pulling out a clean tank top. “Plus I have my car with me, so I can’t really get wasted anyway.” He put on a long cardigan over his tank top. “What about you, why don’t you have your car today?”

Kyo shrugged, leaning one hip against the makeup counter. “I don’t usually drive my car to lives… I never know how tired I’ll be afterwards, and I don’t wanna risk driving home unsafely.”

“That’s extremely sensible,” Die said, finishing up his bag and straightening up. “All right. Ready to go?” Kyo nodded and followed him out of the dressing room and down the hall to the back exit and towards his car. 

Die popped the trunk so they could dump their bags and then they both climbed into the car. He flipped his mirror down to mess with his hair for a moment and Kyo watched him before finally saying, “So what did you want to talk about?”

Die didn’t say anything as he put the mirror back up and started the car. Putting one hand on the back of Kyo’s seat, he turned to look over his shoulder as he backed out of the parking space. Finally he was driving out of the parking lot and glanced over at Kyo, who was still waiting patiently. “Okay, so. You know that… thing we talked about, that other time?”

Of course he did. “Last time you drove me home, you mean?” Kyo said.

“Right. Well. I wasn’t totally truthful with you then,” Die said, frowning.

_Yeah, no shit_ , Kyo thought. Instead he said, “How so?”

Die sighed. “The thing is, um. The person I’m interested in, who I said my heart is kind of tied up with, is actually…” he took a breath in and let it back out. “You do know him. You know him pretty damn well.”

Kyo nodded. Something simultaneously panicky and hazy started occupying the space in his brain and he felt a little light-headed, but he remained calm outwardly. “And?” he prompted, encouraging Die to go on. 

“And usually I’m fine, I’m awesome at keeping it together and not letting my feelings affect my work or whatever,” Die said, taking one hand off the wheel to drag through his hair. “But I guess tonight I wasn’t great at staying focused and I let it get to me.”

Kyo swallowed. “Toshiya said you were a little… distracted.”

Die snorted. “God, see, even Toshiya noticed.” He gave a rueful little smile. “Guess I’m in pretty deep.”

That same twisting feeling Kyo had had in his stomach on and off the past few weeks was back in full force. He shook his head against the slight queasiness he felt and asked in a level voice, “So what was different about tonight?”

Die kept the little smile on his lips as he stared out at the road. “Nothing was different, really, I just… couldn’t stop looking.” He looked over his shoulder before changing lanes. “I kept thinking how… _soft_ he looked, like I could take him into my arms and feel those fingers moving so skillfully over me just like they do over his guitar…” he stopped talking, looking slightly embarrassed at how his sentence had ended up.

Kyo sat still as a statue, not even breathing. He felt like his heart had frozen in his chest. The twisting in his stomach had turned all the way inside out and was now gnawing away at every part of him. “Wait, sorry, this is _Kaoru_?” The calm in his voice surprised him but he was relieved to hear it there.

Die’s cheeks flushed and he tossed his hair back a little as he turned onto Kyo’s street. “Yeah, he’s the one,” He sighed. “And I didn’t keep myself in check and he was pissed at me for not being more focused on my playing—which he’s right to be! But I mean, I can only imagine how he’d flip out if I actually told him how I felt.”

As the car pulled into the parking lot behind his apartment building, Kyo realized he was still holding his breath, and started to let it out as slowly and silently as possible. “Hmm, that’s quite a dilemma,” he said.

Die parked in a spot at the edge of the lot. “Hardly even a dilemma, really, I just have to get over it. There’s nothing to be done.” He turned off the car, finally turning in his seat to somewhat face Kyo.

“I guess so.” Kyo pulled once again at the sleeve of his sweater.

“I’m sorry for burdening you with all this,” Die said, placing his hand on Kyo’s knee for a moment and then taking it away again to fidget with his hair. “I know I said I didn’t want you to have to deal with it, and then here I go dumping it on you. I guess I’m putting you in an awkward position, so I apologize.”

Kyo was still tense from the hand on his knee, and he kept his eyes on the thread he’d pulled loose from the hem of his sleeve, picking at it. “Don’t apologize, you’re not a burden.”

“Thanks,” Die said, pulling up one leg under himself. “You’re just easy to talk to. I don’t really have anyone else I can confide in about this stuff.” He shrugged. “I love Toshiya, but he’ll say anything to anyone once he gets a couple drinks in him. And Shinya will listen to you, but do you ever get the feeling like he’s 100% judging you for whatever you say?” He chuckled a little.

Kyo smiled with half his mouth. “Yeah, I guess I know that feeling. Shinya’s usually who I end up talking with when I have stuff going on.”

Die pouted and reached out, stroking up and down Kyo’s arm a couple of times. “You can always come to me, you know, too. I’m here whenever you want to talk.”

Kyo choked back a bitter laugh and instead nodded, finally wrapping the thread from his sweater around a finger and ripping it free. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“It feels good just to get it off my chest,” Die said, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes. “It really sucked having him telling me off like that tonight. It just felt like… he has no idea how much more he means to me than I mean to him.”

“Yeah, I think I understand that,” Kyo said quietly, finally looking up at Die’s face. His eyes were closed and, in the dim light provided by a streetlamp further into the parking lot, Kyo could see his profile, the curve of his eyelashes, his adam’s apple visible beyond the fall of his long hair… He took his phone out of his pocket and looked at the time on it, clearing his throat. “Listen, it’s late, I should probably go in. If there’s anything I can do to help…”

Die smiled before he opened his eyes and looked at him. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“You can always call or text, if you need to, whenever,” Kyo said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with his sweater-paw.

It was a rare offer from the vocalist and Die recognized it as such. “Thank you, Kyo.”

Kyo just nodded and climbed out of the car, waiting for Die to pop the trunk so he could collect his duffel bag. Once he’d grabbed it and closed the trunk again, careful not to slam it too hard, he gave Die a wave and was quick to let himself into his building. 

He only made it halfway up the first flight of stairs before he felt the tears running down his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Kyo knows who Die's heart is really tied up with, can he still be a good friend to him without his own feelings getting in the way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again there's a lot more angst here than I realized would happen, but everyone should come out of it okay. Thanks and love to you all.

Kyo spent a long time sitting curled into a ball on a corner of his couch, sobbing silently against his knees until he was all cried out. A hundred different emotions seemed to be grappling with each other, threatening to overwhelm him in one direction or another, and in the end he was overwhelmed by all of them, drowning in feelings he couldn’t begin to sort out. 

At around four in the morning, his head throbbing and each limb heavier than anything he could imagine lifting at the gym, he dragged himself to his feet and got himself a glass of water from the tap in the kitchen, leaning on the counter. What was wrong with him? So Die had a thing for Kaoru, what did that have to do with him? The thought was barely formed in his mind before another wave of tears hit him and he dropped his head onto his arms on the counter, sniffling for a few minutes. He collected himself again, wiping his face on the sleeve of his sweater and finishing off his water before he slumped across his apartment to the bathroom.

He peered at himself in the mirror, grimacing slightly. He was all pink and blotchy, his eyes bloodshot, with dark tear stains all over the chest and sleeves of his sweater. His hair stuck up at all angles and his nose was red and painful from having been wiped so many times. He considered taking a shower but didn’t think he could support his weight long enough for it, so instead he just washed his face and went through the motions of brushing his teeth.

Okay, fine. He would have to admit there were some complications to his feelings for Die. He wasn’t sure he could put into words what those feelings were, but he couldn’t deny thatfinding out Die was interested in Kaoru hurt. A lot. Not just that he was interested in Kaoru, but that he was specifically interested in Kaoru _and not Kyo_. The thought rattled around in his head continuously, _why not me?_ As he spit in the sink and put his toothbrush away, he swallowed another round of sobs. _Why couldn’t I be good enough? Why not me?_ It came circling back to his thoughts from a month ago, when Die had first come out. Die couldn’t be gay, because if he was gay…

If Die was gay, and still didn’t want Kyo, then it was because Kyo wasn’t good enough. It was one thing to know he never had a chance with someone who was straight, but to have Die’s eyes pass right over him and fall on Kaoru instead was so much worse. It was actually, physically unbearable. Kyo shuffled into his bedroom, curling into the fetal position on his bed, not bothering to undress. Where was all of this even coming from? He’d never even registered an attraction to Die, much less feelings that ran deeper than that. _Well, yeah, because it wasn’t even an option_. And then it _was_ an option, and just as quickly it seemed the possibility was snatched away, before he even had time to see it as a possibility. 

He wrapped his arms tight around his knees, digging his nails into his elbows painfully hard, trying to use the sensation to ground himself in reality. And he had been stupid enough to _hope_! He didn’t see it for what it was when it was happening, but he had let it happen nonetheless. He had _hoped_ that the person Die was too scared to tell him he liked was _him_. _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ He clenched his eyes shut tight, determined to not let any more tears out tonight. _Why not me?_ drifted through his mind again, followed closely by _because you’re a complete idiot, be realistic_. His body shook. _Why would it ever be you? He could have anyone. It would never be you._

He finally drifted off to sleep sometime later, just as the morning light was filtering in through his window, though it was more a drop off out of total emotional exhaustion than any kind of restful sleep. 

 

* * *

 

Kyo didn’t wake up until afternoon when his phone was going off. He still felt like shit, and like he’d slept not more than a few minutes, but he dug his vibrating phone out of his pocket where it had been when he’d passed out and brought it up to his ear. “Yeah?” He said, keeping his eyes squeezed shut against the sunlight pouring into the bedroom.

“Kyo?”

_Oh Christ, it’s like the nightmare that doesn’t end_. “Yeah?” he said again.

“Sorry, it’s me,” Die said a little uncertainly. “I um… are you sleeping?”

“Not now, I’m not.”

“It’s three in the afternoon.”

“Yep. And I’m awake,” Kyo said.

“Right… Well I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to grab coffee or something before the live tonight. I was figuring I could give you a ride that way, if you want.”

Kyo’s self-preservation was screaming at him to say no, to respectfully decline, to even just hang up without another word, but some masochistic desperation to be a good friend to Die won out and he heard himself answering, “Yeah, that sounds good, thanks. You’ll pick me up here, then?”

“Great!” Die’s smile could be heard across the line. “Yeah, I’ll be there at probably around five o’clock. See you then!”

“Cool. See you,” Kyo said and flung his phone halfway across the bed. _What are you doing?_ he asked himself, and then shook the thought from his mind, pushing himself into a sitting position with considerable effort. He squinted around his room for a few minutes before deciding he’d find something to wear when he got back from the shower and plodding off to the bathroom.

It didn’t take him long to get through the whole routine, using the toilet, washing up, showering, brushing his teeth. When he left the bathroom, he still felt like he’d been hit by a train, but he looked a bit more presentable. He came back into the bedroom, naked but for the towel draped over his shoulder, and flopped back onto his bed with a sigh. Everything was such a mess, and now he was going to have to go back out and deal with it all again. He decided, against his better judgment, to let his brain relive a few moments from last night as he lay there, figuring he might as well, since Die wouldn’t let him forget any of it had happened anyway.

The first thing his mind settled on, surprisingly, was Die leaning over to compliment his ass, eyes unabashedly taking him in. It had stirred something in Kyo last night, but he hadn’t recognized it for what it was. Now, looking back, he realized he quite liked the idea of Die looking at him that way, that he wanted Die’s eyes on him, undressing him and devouring him. In fact, he wouldn’t mind being devoured by Die in other ways, too. He thought of how he’d looked in the car, parked outside Kyo’s building. How his soft lashes had just caught the light, his perfect lips turned up in a smile, his Adam’s apple practically asking to be licked. 

Kyo shook his head suddenly. Where was he going with this? This was not the kind of thing he needed to be focusing on. And yet, it helped a little. At least he wasn’t crying, his own self-loathing wasn’t running laps through his sub-conscious until he could hear nothing else. Maybe it was okay for now, to just let his mind go where it would. He settled down some back against the bed, thinking again of Die’s lips. He couldn’t seem to help but imagine what those lips would look like around his cock, and let out a little sigh at the thought. He liked that rather a lot. He could feel his arousal growing as he let himself think how it would feel, his dick wrapped in the velvety heat of Die’s mouth as the rhythm guitarist groaned around him, his dark eyes gazing up to meet Kyo’s own.

Letting out a small moan at the mental image, Kyo let one hand trail down across his chest and abdomen, the other scraping his nails lightly up one thigh. He didn’t touch himself where he really wanted to, not yet. He let his mind wander further and unhappily came crashing into the memory of Die watching Kaoru throughout last night’s performance. Even after his appraisal of Kyo’s backside, his attention had been on Kaoru most of the evening. Kyo frowned as he remembered Die’s comments about Kaoru’s “skillful fingers.” Who was to say that Kyo’s fingers weren’t just as skillful? Maybe he hadn’t been with any men, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know his way around the equipment. He let his mind slip into another image: his hand cupping Die’s balls, this time, Kyo the one kneeling, staring up at Die’s face. _Oh_ , he thought. In the fantasy he parted his lips, taking Die’s length into his mouth, deeper and deeper. _This is even better_. He imagined Die gripping his hair hard, watching him intently as he sucked. _Oh god_. He could feel Die pushing into him, barely brushing the back of his throat, nearly choking him on his hard cock, and finally, back in the real world, Kyo reached for his arousal.

His hand began to move, stroking himself steadily, while he continued envisioning Die filling his mouth. He licked his lips, almost thinking he could taste him there, and swiped his thumb over the head of his dick, smearing some pre-cum around, moaning softly. His other hand clawed gently at his chest before settling at a nipple and pulling at it a bit harshly. Kyo bit his lip as his hand started moving faster over his erection. In his fantasy, Die was approaching his end as well, holding Kyo by his hair, groaning as he watched his dick disappear beyond Kyo’s lips. Kyo was bucking his hips now, so close he was just waiting for the thread holding him together to snap. He imagined Die pulling out at the last second, painting Kyo’s face with his hot cum, and that thought sent him tumbling over the edge. With a throaty moan, he came all over his hand, some of his release splashing across his tensed abdomen.

Panting, he relaxed against the bed, barely having time to use his towel to get himself cleaned up before the guilt set in. What was wrong with him? What had he just done? He covered his face with his hands. Die was his friend and he had just crossed a line he shouldn’t have been anywhere near. _That was fucked up_. Well, it couldn’t happen again, that’s all. Maybe now that he’d gotten that out of his system he could return to thinking of Die as a friend and stop wanting more.

He pushed himself up and looked at the clock on his dresser. He had about half an hour until Die got there to pick him up. He moved to the closet to find something to wear, rifling through things, finally pulling out some boxer briefs and a pair of loose-fitting, drop-crotch pants that would keep his shapely ass hidden from Die’s sight. He settled on a rather plain dark button-down to go with it, figuring he’d probably take it off at some point during the live anyway. He got dressed quickly, adding a couple accessories and was just finishing adjustments to his hair when his phone buzzed. 

He answered it, one hand still in his hair. “Hey, I’m just finishing getting ready.”

“Oh, okay, I’m downstairs,” Die said. “You want me to come up?”

Kyo turned off lights in the bedroom and bathroom, grabbing his jacket and change of clothes on his way to the front door. “Nah, I’ll be down in a minute. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“No problem! I’ll be here!”

The call disconnected, and Kyo grabbed up his duffel bag, tossing last night’s dirty laundry in a little bundle on the couch and putting some clean things in instead. He pulled some loafers out of a cubby in the genkan and slipped into them. Then he made sure his phone and wallet were tucked into the zipped part of his bag, and stepped out of the apartment, using his keys to lock the door behind him.

As he approached the car, Die was reading something on his phone, but he looked up and smiled when he saw Kyo nearing the passenger side door. Kyo dropped his bag in the backseat and settled down, buckling himself in. 

Die started the car and glanced over at Kyo. “So, seriously, did I wake you up when I called earlier?”

“What if you did?”

Die laughed. “How late were you up after I dropped you off? Were you eager to get back up to your apartment because you had some girl waiting for you or what?”

Kyo looked dubiously at him. “Hardly.”

“Just some Kyo alone time then, was it?” Die said with a suggestive smirk.

Kyo was glad Die’s eyes were back on the road as he felt himself blanch at the memory of what he’d been doing not even an hour earlier. He coughed and said, “Yeah, shut up, like you’ve got such a lot of company.”

“Touché,” Die said. With that they listened to the radio until Die pulled into the parking lot of a small cafe, tucked between a bookstore and a laundromat, not too far from the night’s concert venue. They didn’t have a lot of time before their call, but enough for a cup of coffee.

Kyo zipped his jacket all the way up, the collar mostly obscuring the tattoo across his neck, and hunched his shoulders forward slightly, doing his best to remain inconspicuous, even as he watched Die tossing his glamorous red locks and flashing his Hollywood-perfect smile at the barista at the counter. Die put in his order and then looked over at Kyo. Kyo peered up at the menu behind the register, thinking briefly he wanted something like a mocha; he hadn’t eaten anything, and something heavy and sweet sounded good. Then he remembered how soon he had to be onstage and that drinking something like that would fuck up his voice, and he just ordered a hot tea instead. Die paid for both their drinks and Kyo thanked him before slinking off to find a small table towards the back and away from the windows.

Die came and joined Kyo at the table a few minutes later, setting the two drinks down on the table and scooting Kyo’s tea toward him. Kyo thanked him again and just held the warm cup between his hands for while without drinking it. 

After a bit, Die offered an almost sheepish grin, and said, “So.”

“Hm?” Kyo looked up from where he’d been staring into his tea, completely zoning out, for once having nothing furiously occupying his mind at all.

Die leaned forward on the table, saying conspiratorially, “I had something I wanted to run by you.”

“What’s that?”

“What if… What if I told him?” Die said. He licked his lips a little, clearly nervous to hear Kyo’s response.

Kyo arched an eyebrow. “Told Kaoru?”

Die nodded.

“That you… have feelings for him?”

Die nodded again.

Kyo pursed his lips. “Honestly? I mean… I don’t think it’s a _great_ idea?”

“No?” Die looked down at his drink and took a sip. After a moment he said, “Not that I think you’re wrong at all, but just wondering, why is it not a great idea?”

“Because Kaoru is, as you put it, ‘straight as a line’?”

“Right, I know, I said that,” Die waved his hand almost dismissively. “But lines, they have curves and bends in them all the time!”

“They do,” Kyo agreed. “But other times, they’re straight. Straight lines, lines that are interested exclusively in _women_.” 

Die frowned. “You think Kaoru is that kinda line?”

“Pretty sure he is,” Kyo said. “I’ve known him a long time.”

“But you didn’t know I was gay either, did you?” Die asked.

Kyo shook his head. “No, I was surprised with that. I just… don’t want to see you getting hurt unnecessarily. What makes you think it would be a good idea to tell him?”

“I just thought maybe I should take a chance,” Die said, turning his cup in his hands. “Like how long should I spend wanting him and not knowing if it could be something? Isn’t it worth a try even if it ends up hurting?”

“How long have you spent wanting him so far?” Kyo asked, knowing he didn’t actually want to hear the answer.

“Hmm, since the last overseas tour, I guess?” Die tilted his head thoughtfully. “Right before we left, the guy I was seeing at the time broke it off with me, saying he couldn’t deal with my lifestyle, touring all the time, existing in the public eye, protecting my ‘image’—not that I can really blame him, sometimes I think it’s too much to deal with myself.”

Kyo nodded, finally taking a sip of his tea.

“I talked to Kaoru about it one night, how frustrated I was, how worried I was that I would never find anyone (although I didn’t happen to mention my ex was a man),” Die said. “He was so understanding, though. He comforted me, and he made me laugh again, and we started going out drinking after shows a lot.” Die ducked his head, smiling. “We just clicked.”

Kyo went to take another drink of his tea, but realized he couldn’t possibly swallow it around the lump that had formed in his throat, and lowered it back to the table.

“I wanted to be around him more and more, even though honestly we don’t have that much in common,” Die chuckled. “But god, he’s gorgeous, isn’t he? And the way he plays… It’s almost too much. Hell, you saw the trouble I got myself into last night letting myself watch him during the live.”

Kyo attempted a laugh. “Hey man, if it keeps you out of trouble, you’re always welcome to watch me instead.”

Die laughed out loud at that, then nodded his head to the side once. “I may take you up on that.”

Kyo leaned his cheek on his hand, hoping it would hide some of the blush he knew was sweeping over him. Part of him was terribly excited about the prospect of Die keeping his eyes on him while he performed, and part of him hated himself for even joking about such a thing when it wouldn’t change who Die had feelings for, whispers of _why not me?_ making themselves heard once again under the din of his other various thoughts.

Die took a sip of his coffee and then set it down and gestured to Kyo. “What about you? I’ve been talking about my relationship stuff—or lack thereof. I meant what I said last night though, you can feel free to talk to me about things too!”

“Not a lot to talk about,” Kyo shrugged.

“I know you don’t have girls waiting in your apartment,” Die teased. “But is there anyone you’ve got an eye on?”

Kyo looked at Die, wondering if the redheaded man could possibly hear his heart skipping a beat. “I guess there is. I only realized my feelings… recently.”

Die’s eyes sparkled with interest. “Really? And?”

“And, it’s unrequited,” Kyo said.

“What??” Die said incredulously. “How?”

“There’s someone else,” Kyo muttered. He wiped at a spot on the table with his jacket sleeve. “I’m not the one.”

“Has she _seen_ you?” Die was not backing down. “Maybe she just doesn’t—I mean did you show her your abs? I don’t see how she could possibly turn that down, she’d have to be—”

“Stop, Die, god.” Kyo frowned at the table, and Die didn’t miss the pain that flickered in his eyes, even behind his glasses. “Why do you do that?” Kyo said quietly.

“I’m sorry, I was just… Sorry.” Die looked guilty, if somewhat confused.

Kyo sighed. “This person… isn’t shallow like that. It’s not that simple.”

Die nodded. “You really like her though, huh?”

Kyo set his jaw and nodded his head. “Apparently.”

“Kyo, listen,” Die said, reaching suddenly to take Kyo’s hand. “All quips about your phenomenal physique aside, anyone would be crazy not to love you. You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, incredibly giving, passionate, honest, unafraid to throw your whole self into everything you do… She’ll come around.” He gave him some kind of iceberg-melting smile and squeezed his hand once more before letting it go.

_Whynotmewhynotmewhynotme?_ Kyo bit down hard on the inside of his cheek, fighting the urge to start hitting his head against the table, or start straight-up crying. He nodded his head once and picked up his tea, finishing it off quickly. When he felt like he could speak without his voice cracking, he said quietly, “You about ready to head over?”

Die nodded and finished off his coffee as well. He gathered up the trash from the table and moved to throw it away as Kyo started towards the exit. He caught up with him and they settled into the car, driving over to the venue and arriving with just enough time to drop their things in the dressing room before they were called in for mic check.

* * *

 

The next few weeks passed in much the same way, with Die and Kyo spending more time together than they had in years, maybe ever. They would get food somewhere, or go shopping, or just drive around and talk. Kyo, to his slight horror, had become Die’s confidant, and any time the rhythm guitarist felt like pouring his heart out (usually on the subject of Kaoru) Kyo was the person he called. Every now and then Die would bring up the idea again of making a move or confessing his feelings, and every time Kyo would tell him honestly that he didn’t want to see him hurt. He kept his own feelings to himself, and when Die asked about “that blind girl who didn’t like him back” Kyo would answer that there was no progress: his affections remained, stronger than ever, but were still unreturned. Die always gave him some sympathetic look or ruffled his hair, and Kyo would feel his heart sinking into the depths of his stomach as he tried to laugh it off or accept the expression of comfort gratefully.

Things changed a bit in late November when they started their Japanese tour. Die would still stay up late on the bus some nights talking with Kyo in hushed voices, the two of them curled up on the couch, sharing a blanket for warmth. Kyo savored those moments, even as he felt contaminated by the guilt of knowing they weren’t his to savor. He wanted to remember and keep every second of it, despite the often Kaoru-centric content of their conversations, and he knew that, to Die, it all meant something different, something less. The nearness of Die, his scent, his warmth, his attention, while offered freely during these times, still felt stolen somehow and Kyo wondered if Die would loathe him, should he ever find out the truth. 

In concert Kyo would sometimes glance over and see Die watching him. It always filled him with that same familiar combination of excitement and grief. The strategy seemed to be working; Kaoru hadn’t given his fellow guitarist any more lectures. But sometimes Die would catch Kyo’s eye when he looked over and give him a little wink, and Kyo would feel his heart squeezing so painfully he’d swear he could hear it creaking, just at the knowledge that Die was only looking at him because he _wouldn’t_ distract him by stirring up any feelings. Each time, he’d ball up the stampede of _why not me?_ and use the pain to plummet himself further into his performance, leaving him utterly emotionally drained night after night.

The other side of it was that Die tended to go out after shows, partying and drinking. Kyo couldn’t really pretend to be interested in joining in, and although it wasn’t different from any other tour, where he spent a lot of time on the bus or in hotel rooms on his own, it was the first time he’d ever felt so lonely doing it. He’d find himself checking his phone constantly, looking to see what time it was, or if Die had drunk-texted him. He tried to concentrate on other things, lyrics or sketching or sukekiyo stuff, but he found he really just _missed_ Die. It didn’t help that when the redhead came back to the bus, drunk and laughing about something or other, Kaoru was usually with him, supporting his unsteady steps. Kyo was unbearably jealous and he hated himself for it, knowing he should be happy for his friend getting to spend time and share laughter with the man he loved. He tried to make sure he was in his bunk asleep or with headphones on by the time the others returned.

One night towards the end of the tour, Kyo was alone on the bus, sitting sideways on the bench at the table with his legs propped up, ankles crossed on the corner of the table, notebook in his lap, channeling some of his petty jealousies into phrases. He figured he might use them as lyrics later or end up publishing them whenever he did another poem book, but even if he didn’t use them at all, at least he was getting some of it out in a non-physically-scarring manner. He was just scratching out a kanji and writing another one over it on the paper when he jumped as the door of the bus opened with a bang.

_Shit_ , he thought. _Did I lose track of time that badly?_ He schooled himself into a pose of nonchalance as he waited for the parade of tipsy bandmates to come trudging through. But they didn’t come. After a moment he wondered whether the wind could have been powerful enough to open the door; he set his notebook on the table with his pen marking his page and his glasses on top of it as he pulled his legs down and slid off the bench to go check.

He only made it a couple of steps before he discovered what had actually opened the door: Die was clambering up the steps, lacking his usual grace and without anyone supporting him this time. His eyes were red and puffy and as soon as he saw Kyo, who was staring at him with a stunned expression on his face, he completely fell apart, stumbling into the smaller man’s arms, full-on sobbing.

Kyo didn’t have a chance to really register what was happening and suddenly Die’s weight was on him, making him lose his balance. He only just managed to bring the two of them to a kneeling position in the middle of the aisle of the bus, rather than wiping out or crashing into furniture. Trying not to panic, he just held tightly onto his friend as his shoulders shook, shh-ing him and running a hand soothingly over his hair. After a couple of moments he said quietly, “What’s happened?”

Die just shook his head, pushing his face more into Kyo’s shirt, against his chest. Kyo could feel the tears soaking through his shirt, but he didn’t try to push him away. “You were right,” Die croaked. “You were right, of course you were right, I’m sorry, I should have listened, I never listen.”

Kyo’s throat tightened a little. “Kaoru?”

Die made a kind of ugly gurgling sound that could have been a laugh or a sob. “I thought—I thought… God, I’m so stupid.” He sniffed loudly.

“Hey,” Kyo grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back so he could see his face. “Stop that. You’re not stupid, okay? You can’t help who you care about.”

“I _am_ stupid though, because you _told_ me he was straight and I knew you were right, but I kept _hoping_ anyway!” Die’s fists clutched tighter at the front of Kyo’s zip-up hoodie.

Kyo clenched his jaw as Die’s words were all too familiar, things he’d heard inside his own head a thousand times. “You’re not stupid,” he whispered, petting Die’s hair again.

“You’re not listening, I _am!_ ” Die insisted, seeming almost angry. “I thought things were going so well, and he kept laughing when I would say things, and even when I was flirting, I thought he was flirting _back_ , and I fucked up so bad! I wasn’t even that _drunk_ , but I thought it was the right time, and I put my hand on him, just, on his chest, and I told him he was beautiful and I’m so stupid, I leaned in, like I thought I was going to kiss him, what the fuck, Kyo, was I out of my mind??”

Kyo listened patiently, his heart aching seeing Die hurt like this. He absently brushed a few tears from Die’s face with his thumb, his other hand gently rubbing over his shoulder.

“And god, then, he pushed me back, and the look he gave me…” Die closed his eyes, clearly able to imagine the expression with ease.

“He was angry?” Kyo asked, his voice still as soft as falling snow.

Die shook his head. “It would have been better if he was angry, or if he was disgusted even, but that look… Pity.” He looked at Kyo, his eyes full of misery and self-loathing. “It was so condescending, like I was… some pathetic child asking for something I didn’t understand. ‘I… really don’t swing that way, Die, I thought you knew,’ he says, like I’m an idiot, which I am, but I just… thought I meant something to him.” Die’s voice cracked a little and he leaned his forehead on Kyo’s shoulder as tears started to flow silently down his cheeks once more.

“Oh, Die,” Kyo said, wrapping his arms around him. He couldn’t find the words. How could he tell him that Kaoru wasn’t worth it, that Die was perfect, that he deserved someone who could love him with every fiber of his being and not someone who would ever push him away? All his words got lost on the way out of his throat and before he could really stop himself Kyo was kissing Die, his hair, his cheek, and then his lips, tenderly and without demand. 

Die froze, his hands still gripping Kyo’s sweatshirt. Slowly he relaxed, dropping his hands and pulling back from Kyo, a baffled look on his face. “Kyo…?”

As soon as Die started pulling away, Kyo pulled his hands back and quickly covered his mouth with them, shocked and horrified at what he’d done. “Ohmygod,” he whispered. Panic set in and he scrambled back from Die and up to his feet. His eyes darted around the bus for an escape route and eventually he just bolted for the door, nearly tripping over Die still sitting crumpled in the aisle in the process.

He made his way down the steps and off the bus, barely hearing Die calling his name after him. Once he was out in the late night air, he looked around, panic still driving him. The bus was at the edge of a parking lot behind the venue they’d played at that night; there was nowhere for him to go from there, and he didn’t have anything with him, not his wallet, his phone, anything. After a few seconds he spotted a low wall along the south side of the lot, separating the parking area from the covered walkway outside the building there. He moved hurriedly towards it, climbing over the wall easily and sitting down on the ground with his back against it.

Kyo sat there for a while, staring into space, running his hand through his hair again and again. It was freezing and he didn’t even have a proper coat on, but he couldn’t really seem to feel the cold. He was trying to figure out what his options were after what he had just done, but he wasn’t getting very far. He just sat rather numbly, feeling completely lost, not knowing how he’d managed to lose his careful reign on himself so entirely and so… unfortunately.

And so _inappropriately_. Finally he found an emotion he could fully comprehend and clung desperately to it: self-loathing, his oldest friend. How could he have been so selfish and so despicable that he would make a move on Die like that when he was heartbroken and emotionally vulnerable? Not to mention intoxicated! He took hold of a few tufts of his hair and pulled at it, just to feel the pain. _I’m an awful person. I shouldn’t be allowed to be around Die. I ruin everything I touch_. He pulled a little harder at his hair, his head swimming with hatred for everything about himself. He still couldn’t feel the cold but his body was shivering by now. He couldn’t tell how long he’d been sitting there.

“Kyo? Please tell me you’re out here somewhere?”

Die’s voice managed to penetrate the fog surrounding Kyo and he ducked his head, trying to hide behind the edge of the wall. The sudden movement only attracted Die’s attention though and soon he was standing on the other side of the barrier, looking cautiously down at the vocalist. 

Die stepped over the wall and then swung his other leg over as he sat on it, facing the blank wall of the building on the other side of the walkway, same as Kyo. He frowned down at his boots. “I’m not totally sure what just happened,” he said finally.

Kyo didn’t look up at him. He didn’t know how to respond.

“And I did something wrong,” Die said, with a crease between his brows. “You left and I didn’t know where you’d gone… and your notebook was sitting on the table…” He pressed his lips together, almost afraid to go on.

Kyo closed his eyes, still too numb to feel any kind of horror at the invasion of his privacy at the moment.

“I’m really sorry, I know I shouldn’t have looked,” Die said quickly. He chewed his lip for another moment. “What you were writing… was it about…?”

Kyo sighed. “Yes. About you, and about everything that’s been going on with Kaoru? Yes. And yes, I meant it when I kissed you; it was an accident, but not a fluke,” he said, opening his eyes and staring at the wall in front of him.

“But, you’re straight.”

Kyo shrugged helplessly.

Die paused. “So… the blind girl?”

“That’s you,” Kyo glanced up at him, a smile almost tugging at one corner of his mouth.

“I guess you never said it was a girl, did you?” Die frowned, the crease between his brows deepening. “This whole time then?”

“I’m afraid so,” Kyo said tiredly. In a way he was almost relieved to have this out. It felt like the end, like he could finish it up and then… well he wasn’t sure what then. Possibly he could drag himself to some recycling center and throw himself away. _Could my sorry remains blend in better with pet bottles or cardboard?_ he wondered. He shook his head, pulling his focus back to the present. He was still shivering. “I’m in love with you.” He shrugged.

Die’s mouth nearly dropped open to hear it stated so plainly like that. Then he looked angry. _Really_ angry. “What the _fuck_ is wrong with you??”

Kyo was finally jarred out of his numbness. “Excuse me?” He turned his head towards Die.

“This whole time I’ve been coming to you with all my Kaoru shit and you’ve just been _letting_ me? Been letting me _hurt_ you? Like I know you’ve got some kinda masochistic thing going on but that’s…” He shook his head, eyes still burning. “It’s not okay. Why would you put me in that position? Christ, Kyo.” He stood up from the wall and took a couple meandering steps, not looking at Kyo. “I never, _never_ would have talked to you about any of that, if I’d thought I was hurting you. Why would you let me do something like that??”

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” Kyo asked, eyes wide, honestly confused. “You’re my friend, I wanted to be there for you!”

“Yeah, I’m your friend, friends don’t hurt each other like that!” Die said, facing Kyo.

“I’m sorry!” Kyo said, meeting his eyes. “I’m really sorry, I’m sorry about everything, I’m sorry I kissed you, that was _horrible_ of me, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when I should have been.”

“What are you even _talking_ about?” Die growled. “You’ve _always_ been there for me! Even when I could see the pain in your eyes and I didn’t know why, you were there being everything I needed without a single complaint!”

Kyo looked even more confused. “Then I’m sorry for that too!!”

Die let out a sound of frustration and sat back down on the wall.

“It’s not that big a deal,” Kyo muttered after a minute. “I can still be your friend, if you even want me to be.”

“It kind of is a big deal, to me,” Die said.

“But not like it has to be a thing!” Kyo said, shifting where he sat, so his body was turned more towards Die next to him. “I can suck it up, I get that you’re not into me!”

“Can you just stop talking and let me think for like ten seconds please?” Die held out a hand, glaring at a spot on the ground.

Kyo was taken aback. He nodded, waiting for Die to go on.

After another minute, Die let out another frustrated growl. “I don’t know how to explain anything right.”

“Just try?” Kyo suggested. “If it doesn’t make sense I can ask for you to clarify parts?”

Die wet his lips and said, “Okay. Did you ever like someone so much… your brain told you, you couldn’t have them?”

Kyo was puzzled by what seemed to be a subject change, but he nodded.

“And then did you ever… _try_ to like someone else? Because they seemed like, somehow, you were ‘allowed’ to like them? So you just redirect all your feelings, and tell yourself this is what you want instead, even if they’re unavailable, you can have this _crush_ on them, because it’s safe and it’s not… real?” He looked at Kyo, obviously hoping something he was saying was coherent.

Kyo squinted at him a little. Then he pursed his lips. “In this scenario, Kaoru is the safe person to like…?”

Die nodded. He took a deep, steadying breath and then started talking, “Kyo, I don’t know if you realize this, but you’re probably the person who made me fully acknowledge that I was gay.” Kyo’s eyes widened, but he didn’t interrupt. “You’re beautiful and wise and funny and unique—and unattainable. Obviously not gay, and so just… _Kyo_. I decided a long time ago, you weren’t even remotely an option, and any time I found myself thinking of you that way, I’d push it down and try to redirect it, which is how I wound up with this Kaoru thing.” He let out a huff of a laugh. “I was so determined to like someone else, I convinced myself I wanted Kaoru, which practical-wise, is just as problematic. And the whole time, you were right in front of me.” He looked Kyo in the eye. “You were right there with me, supporting me and comforting me and listening to me, and you and I get along where Kaoru and I never _could_. I have been seriously blind. And I’ve been denying things, even to myself, for a long time.” He slid down from the wall, kneeling in front of Kyo. “It’s always been you,” he finished, a bit lamely, loosely taking Kyo’s hand in his own.

Kyo laced his fingers with Die’s. He frowned as he said, “I hope you know this is all very difficult to believe.”

“I do,” Die said. “How can I convince you?”

Kyo shrugged. “We could… go out sometime, or something?”

Die grinned. “I would love to.”

“But when we do, maybe we could skip talking about Kaoru,” Kyo said, wrinkling his nose.

“I definitely agree,” Die laughed. He leaned his forehead against Kyo’s, and then claimed his lips with his own. 

Kyo kissed him back, pulling him ever so slightly closer, his free hand on the back of Die’s neck. His heart was beating faster already and he licked across Die’s lips, gently deepening the kiss.

Die let out a little panting moan as he allowed Kyo’s tongue to enter his mouth, and his hand ran down Kyo’s side, slipping under his shirt before he pulled back, a little breathless. “Shit, Kyo, you’re shivering, look at you.”

Kyo shook his head, trying to get back to the kissing. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not, you’re freezing, I can feel you!” Die took both Kyo’s hands and breathed on them, rubbing them between his own. “It’s fucking cold out here.”

“But you were warming me up,” Kyo said with a pout.

Die smirked at him. “Let’s get back to the bus before you catch a cold. If you fuck up your voice from this while we’re on tour, I doubt Kaoru would hesitate to hack us both into bite-size pieces.” He stood up and held Kyo’s hands to pull him up too.

Kyo kept hold on one of Die’s hands, running his thumb over the back of it as they crossed the parking lot back to the tour bus. “So does this mean we’re dating now?” he asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

Die nodded, smiling. “I’d say so. We’re boyfriends.” He waggled his eyebrows at Kyo and bumped him with his shoulder playfully.

Kyo grinned. “I’ve never had a boyfriend before.” He was just stepping onto the bus when they heard raucous laughter and voices talking and knew at once that the rest of the band was coming back from where they’d been out drinking.

With a brief regretful look, Die dropped Kyo’s hand and whispered, “Goodnight, love.” Then he headed quickly to the back of the bus before the others arrived.

Kyo watched him go, sadness filling him as quickly as joy had been there a second earlier. Of course he understood, but it had been so fleeting he still wondered if he would realize tomorrow that none of it had happened, and the whole conversation in the parking lot had been a panic-induced hallucination. He picked up his things from where he’d led them on the table and went back to his bunk, getting a text as soon as he settled in. He unlocked the screen to read the message from Die: _First night after we get back from tour—dinner and a cheesy movie at my place? I can cook. I’ll be looking forward to it, so mark the date. Sleep tight, gorgeous._

Kyo couldn’t stop smiling as he pulled the covers tight around himself, and he fell asleep with his phone still in his hand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost an epilogue. I considered not including it at all since it's not really necessary, but I figured after everything Kyo's been through this story, he deserved a proper happy ending. Thanks for reading and enjoy!

It had been nearly two weeks since Dir en grey returned home from their Japanese tour. Christmas had come and gone in a whirlwind of activity and Die had been pretty busy with DECAYS business, so with everything, he and Kyo had actually seen each other a good deal _less_ than they had before they’d started “dating.” 

They had had that date the first night: Die cooked Italian food and Kyo tried not to feel self-conscious in his apartment. For the most part, though, it hadn’t been that different from any of the other times they’d hung out. The atmosphere was easy and casual and neither of them tried to push anything in one direction or another. When they sat on the couch to watch a movie, Kyo was careful not to press himself closely against Die, not wanting to come on too strong. Instead he sat an almost awkward distance of a few inches away, keeping his hands clasped together in his lap. They hadn’t even kissed since that night in the parking lot, not wanting to risk being found out while still on tour, and somehow the restraint had only served to tense his nerves. He wanted so badly to be close to Die, and yet he didn’t want to overstep anything when they hadn’t even set any boundaries. Plus there was the lingering Kaoru-jealousy that he couldn’t seem to shake. He trusted Die, he didn’t think he would do something to hurt him deliberately. But he still worried that it was in Die’s kind nature not to say no, that maybe he was only with Kyo to be nice.

He became more and more distracted by these thoughts, quickly losing track of what was happening in the movie, lost in his own mind. What if this wasn’t what Die wanted? What if he was trying to let Kyo down easy, but ended up just leading him on? Maybe this entire thing had been a mistake, and it would be more painful to think he had Die only to lose him than to never have him at all. Just as he started to feel the panic rise in him and was considering excuses he could use to leave as soon as possible, Die shifted next to him and he glanced over.

Die was still watching the movie, but one of his hands had moved to the space between them, just resting there, palm up on the couch. Kyo stared at the hand, thinking briefly it seemed like an awkward position before he saw it for what it was, and took the invitation. With a small smile he reached over and took Die’s offered hand in his own, squeezing it before settling back. Die looked over at him, seeming pleased. They finished the movie just holding hands like that, and afterwards Kyo went home, Die giving him the softest of goodnight kisses before he went out the door.

They’d only seen each other twice since then, trying to work around busy schedules. They met once for coffee, and another time visited a small public garden where Kyo took some photos and they ended up making out briefly in the car until fear that they’d be seen got the better of them and, rather flustered, Die drove Kyo home and they parted for the evening.

That had been almost a week ago, and now finally they were about to have some time off around the new year. Kyo and Die hadn’t discussed any plans yet and Kyo was starting to get antsy as he folded laundry in his apartment. He had his phone sitting by him and had already checked twice to make sure the volume was up in case he wouldn’t notice it vibrating. Die had said he was going to call, and Kyo was determined to wait for him to do so, rather than jumping the gun and ruining things with his impatience. He threw a pair of folded jeans onto the pile with the others and was just reaching to pick up his phone again when it started ringing. He jerked his hand back in surprise and felt his stomach flip over, then took a breath and picked the phone up, answering the call from Die.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Is this an okay time, you’re not busy?” Die said.

“Nn-nn, just doin’ some stuff around the house,” Kyo picked up a sock and started digging through the hamper for its mate.

“I’m really sorry I didn’t call sooner, I was just getting my schedule all finalized before I made plans. I didn’t want to have to cancel on you if I found out I had something.”

“No, yeah, it’s fine,” Kyo said. “I know you’ve been busy.”

“I have, but I should have a bit more time in the next couple weeks, finally!” Die said. “Starting today! I don’t know if you’re free tonight…?”

Kyo bit his lip to keep from answering immediately, trying not to seem over-eager. “Hmm, tonight? I think I could do something, sure.”

“Excellent!” Die sounded a bit relieved. “Do you want to go out? Or we could bring food back here and have a night in?”

Kyo considered the options. “I think a night in sounds good,” he said after a moment. It was easier when they didn’t have to be constantly looking out for someone recognizing them.

“Yeah, I think so, too,” Die agreed. “So I’ll come get you about six and we can pick up food on the way. Think about what you want!”

“All right, I will. See you then,” Kyo said, and they hung up. In truth he had actually already been thinking about what he wanted for a while now. He was tired of Die acting so nervous and treating him like something fragile and untouchable, and he was tired of his own insecurities keeping him from just straddling Die and having done with it. He wanted Die, and as he carried the folded clothes to the closet to put them away, he made up his mind that tonight he was going to stop second-guessing himself so much, and go after what he wanted.

* * *

 

Later that evening, Die unlocked the door to his apartment and Kyo stood by holding bags containing their food, listening as Die told him about an exchange he’d had with a fan at a DECAYS event.

“She was seriously convinced that I was secretly married,” Die said as he got the door open and held it for Kyo to go inside. “Every time I tried to laugh it off she would give me some, like, knowing look and try to ask another question about my ‘wife.’”

Kyo snorted as he removed his shoes and turned them around, placing them against the edge of the step up into the apartment from the genkan. “I don’t know where some people get their information.”

“Right?” Die took one of the bags from Kyo and carried it to the table in his smallish dining room. “After a few minutes of it, I just wanted to grab her and shake her, ‘ _I’m gaaaaay!’_ She gave me some snarky comment as she left, about how she was sure ‘Mrs. Andou’ didn’t appreciate being hidden from the public.”

Kyo took the food out of bags while Die went to grab chopsticks and drinks from his kitchen. “Yeah, maybe she would if the public was all fans like that one,” he said.

Die came back, handing Kyo a bottle of green tea. He frowned a little as he said, “I am sorry to have to hide you from the public, though.”

Kyo raised an eyebrow at him. “I think I’m out there plenty without you, but thanks.”

“You know what I mean,” Die shrugged.

“Yeah, but,” Kyo sat down at the table, scooting his chair in. “We haven’t been together very long. Who knows what it will be like, someday? The world is changing all the time.”

Die sat down too, pulling his food towards him. “That’s a rather positive outlook for you.”

“I can be positive sometimes. Not usually, but it happens,” Kyo said. “Itadakimasu.”

“Itadakimasu,” Die echoed, and for a while they ate, not really saying anything.

After several minutes Kyo spoke up, “I was kind of surprised actually that Kaoru let us have this time off.” He kept eating but flicked his eyes up to Die’s face, watching his reaction when he mentioned the other guitarist. “He’s usually so set on making us rehearse, especially when we have to tour again next month.”

Die just nodded, “Yeah, it is a bit unusual for him, but I’m not complaining.”

Kyo narrowed his eyes a bit when there was no reaction, deciding to press a little further. “I mean, you know better than I do what a perfectionist he can be.”

Die chuckled, “I definitely seem to get hit with the worst of that, but I know you guys have disagreements all the time about your own stuff.”

Kyo finally frowned and set his chopsticks down. “Does it seriously not bother you to talk about him?”

Die looked a little surprised. “About Kaoru? Not really. I mean, we work together, we’ve worked together for almost twenty years. Even with everything that happened, I can’t really afford to let it bother me, you know?”

“But it would bother you if you let it?”

“Kyo, is it bothering _you_?”

“Maybe somewhat,” Kyo admitted.

Die set his own chopsticks down and looked Kyo in the eye. “I’m here. I’m with you. That’s because I want to be, not because Kaoru rejected me.”

“Well technically, it is because Kaoru rejected you, though,” Kyo muttered.

“Then that was my good luck, or maybe it was fate and it was supposed to happen,” Die said. “Because this is where I want to be, and if I could change it now, I wouldn’t, not if you paid me.”

Kyo nodded and looked down at the table, still not feeling totally secure.

Die noticed. “Hey,” he said, waiting for Kyo to look back up at him before he went on. “You don’t believe me right now, and that’s okay as long as you get it eventually. I can wait. I’m not going anywhere. Got it?”

Kyo had to smile at that. “Unn. Got it.”

Die smiled back at him and then stretched a little. “I am glad he gave us the time off around the holidays though, sometimes he’s such a Scrooge.”

“A Scrooge?” Kyo repeated, confused.

“Like in the story, _A Christmas Carol_ ,” Die said. “You know, the grouchy old man who doesn’t like people slacking off around Christmas, so he gets visited by all those ghosts who tell him how to live his life better?”

“Ahh, yeah, I think I remember it,” Kyo nodded, starting to clean up his dinner, closing food containers and stacking them to the side on the table.

“Something similar actually happened to me once,” Die said.

Kyo’s eyes lit up and he grinned widely. “Really? You were visited by a lot of ghosts?”

“Not a lot, but one,” Die said. “And I guess I didn’t receive a lecture in quite the same way he did.”

“Tell me?”

Die smiled and leaned his elbows on the table. “It was at the place I had before this. Strange things would happen all the time, like lights turning on in the middle of the night, or the wind blowing the window of my bedroom open—only in my room and only when I was in there.”

Kyo nodded. “Like they were trying to get your attention.”

“And then the door to the office was always opening,” Die said. “Like I know I always kept it closed, but every time I walked past it would be open again, and one day, when I was in there, with the door closed, I heard this little thud behind me. So I got up from where I was working at the desk, and came over to the bookshelf, to see what had fallen down.” He scratched his eyebrow. “It was from my shelf where I keep all my Dir en grey goods, it was my copy of one of your poem books. I looked down and you were staring back up at me. It was the weirdest thing, there was no way that just that one item would have fallen off the shelf! I put it back, but in the following months the office door kept opening, and three other times, I came in and that _same book_ was lying on the floor. Only ever that one.”

Kyo had been staring at him the whole time he spoke, his eyes sparkling. “When did it stop?” He asked, a little breathlessly.

Die shook his head. “It kept happening until I moved. I didn’t really get what they were trying to tell me, but a couple years later when I admitted I was gay, it seemed pretty obvious.”

“Mmm,” Kyo said, leaning his cheek on the palm of his hand. “Wow. I love ghosts.”

“Yeah? You ever have any paranormal experiences?” Die asked, starting to clear the table.

Kyo shook his head, frowning. “I would love to, but I haven’t so far. Maybe yours will come back to say hello sometime when I’m here!”

Die laughed. “Maybe, but I doubt it. Nothing like that has happened since I got this place; I’m pretty sure spirits tend to be tied to a specific location.”

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Kyo said, disappointment clear in his voice. He stood to help Die put away the rest of the food and was promptly shooed towards the living room. He walked over to the wall with Die’s DVD shelves and knelt down to peruse the titles. “Did you want to watch something?” he called back to Die in the kitchen.

“Sure, whatever you want,” Die answered, putting the last of the food in the fridge. He left a couple dishes in the sink for later and came to join Kyo in the living room.

Kyo picked an American film that he hadn’t seen, not really caring much what they watched, and put it in the DVD player, hitting play. He came to sit by Die, a little closer than he had last time they watched a movie, his thigh pressed up against him.

Die smiled when Kyo sat so close and put his arm up on the back of the couch behind the smaller man. “This is a good movie, have you seen it?” He asked as the opening sequence started.

Kyo shook his head, and shifted just slightly closer. “Just thought it looked interesting.”

“Yeah, I think it won some award,” Die said.

Kyo couldn’t have cared much less whether the movie won an award in America. He was distracted thinking about how much he wanted to be kissing Die. Sitting this close to him, he felt like his whole body was a bundle of electricity and everywhere Die’s body was touching him was shooting sparks throughout his whole system. He finally swallowed his nerves and, as casually as he could, reached out to rest his hand on Die’s thigh. _There, that wasn’t so hard,_ he thought. Die tensed a little at the touch, but relaxed after a second, and brought his arm across the back of the couch down to actually drape across Kyo’s shoulders. 

Kyo lost his patience fairly quickly after that, and leaned into Die, kissing along his jaw and his neck before he just crawled right into his lap, crushing his mouth against Die’s. Die let out a surprised sound at the abruptness of it all, but responded quickly, pushing his tongue into Kyo’s mouth and bringing his hands to rest on his waist. Kyo held Die’s shoulders firmly and he ground against him almost tentatively, never breaking the kiss.

Die bit Kyo’s lip, tugging it a little with his teeth, and then pulled back to look at him with lust-darkened eyes, breathing a bit heavily. Kyo could feel him hardening beneath him, and ground against him more, maintaining eye contact, letting his tongue slide over his lip where Die had bitten it. Die let out a moan and brought one hand down to Kyo’s ass, just groping, while his other hand started for the buttons of Kyo’s shirt. Kyo speared one hand into Die’s hair, pulling him towards him and claiming his lips again, kissing him hungrily, moaning into his mouth as he rocked his hips against him. 

After a while, Die got Kyo’s buttons undone and helped him tug his shirt off. He stopped the kiss to lean back and admire Kyo’s body, running his hands along his shoulders and down his arms, sighing softly. Kyo squirmed a little bit, feeling almost like he was being inspected for damages. Then Die ran his thumb over a hardening nipple and Kyo arched his back, closing his eyes. Die smiled at the reaction and gave the area more attention, pinching lightly, then leaning in and circling the nub with his tongue. Kyo gasped and tilted his head back, moving his hips against Die again. Die moved to the other nipple, grazing it with his teeth, enjoying the way Kyo shuddered under him, then moved up to lick up Kyo’s neck, sucking a little at a spot below his ear, not hard enough to leave a mark, but enough that the vocalist let out a sort of whimpering moan and tightened his hand still in Die’s hair.

Suddenly Kyo pushed Die back and climbed off of him. Die watched, looking confused as Kyo slid to his knees in front of him and pushed Die’s long legs apart. When he reached up and started undoing Die’s pants Die reached out to grab his hand, saying warily, “Kyo…”

Kyo gently pushed Die’s hand away and finished getting his pants open. He looked up at Die with a half-smile. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.” Die swallowed and lifted his hips up so Kyo could pull his pants and boxer briefs down, revealing his rather hard cock. Kyo took in the sight of it, a glint in his eyes. He leaned in, his lips parted, but stopped only an inch or two away. Looking up at Die’s face, he asked softly, “Would you rather I didn’t?” 

Die shook his head quickly. “Please,” he breathed.

With that, Kyo took him into his mouth, sucking hard for a moment before licking around the head and over the slit. Die gripped the couch cushions and tried to keep his eyes open so he could watch everything Kyo was doing. Kyo licked up and down the shaft a couple of times, then braced himself with his hands on Die’s knees, and began to bob his head over his length. He was incredibly aroused by what he was doing, and leaned in to take more, relaxing his throat and swallowing around Die’s cock, earning him a loud moan from the guitarist.

Die couldn’t help but push his hips forward just the slightest amount, groaning at the sensation, close to losing it already. Kyo could feel Die throb in his mouth and he pulled back, running his tongue over his lips to break the string of saliva still connecting him to Die’s dick. He saw how Die’s balls were drawn up tight and licked over them lightly before dragging his tongue up the underside of Die’s cock once more. He lapped up the pre-cum oozing from the tip, his eye’s on Die’s, and then murmured, “When you cum, I want it all over my face.”

Die’s mouth dropped open in shock, but he didn’t have a chance to respond before Kyo was engulfing his cock again, and he let out a cry. It didn’t take much longer, and he grabbed at Kyo’s hair to warn him, gasping out, “Oh god, fuck, I’m—Oh my god—”

Kyo pulled off just in time, opening his mouth and waiting. Die’s hand went to his dick, jerking himself off and then he was cumming. He moaned lowly as the first spurt hit Kyo’s lips and tongue, the next couple more across his nose and cheek. “Fuck, Kyo,” Die said, staring down at him. He realized he was still holding Kyo’s hair and let go, dropping his hand back to the couch. Then he noticed the movie was still playing and hit pause on the remote.

Kyo licked his lips and pulled himself up from the floor. He straddled one of Die’s thighs and brought a finger up to wipe the rest of the cum from his face. “I’ve been waiting to do that,” he said, and licked the cum from his finger with a satisfied moan. “You taste just as good as I thought you would.”

Die was still just staring, open-mouthed, like he couldn’t really believe the way Kyo was acting. He moved a hand to the front of Kyo’s pants, and Kyo immediately pushed up against him. “God, you’re hard.”

“I am,” Kyo said. He draped his arms around Die’s neck and rolled his hips up to get more contact with Die’s hand, letting out a little breathless laugh. “It hurts…”

“What do you want me to do?” Die looked a bit nervous. “I want to feel you… inside me,” he said quietly. “If you want.”

Kyo nodded, his eyes hooded. He leaned in to give Die a slow, lingering kiss before he pushed himself up to standing and waited for Die to direct him.

Die stood up as well, getting his pants fully off, then tossing his shirt onto the floor with them. Then coughing slightly, he moved to the small table at one end of the couch and dug in the back of the drawer until he found what he was looking for and pulled out some lube. Kyo watched him a bit curiously, not entirely sure how to go about this next part. Die looked at him and then at the lube, shrugging as he said, “I need to be, um, prepped.”

Kyo nodded again, “Okay. What do I need to do?”

Die huffed out a laugh. “You really haven’t been with guys before, huh?” At Kyo’s worried look he shook his head. “It’s all right, I’ll show you.” He reached out a hand to pull Kyo back onto the couch.

Kyo sat down and watched as Die leaned back and spread his legs. Then Die opened the lube and squirted some onto his own fingers, glancing up at Kyo before he reached down between his own legs and pressed one finger against his entrance. Kyo’s breath hitched as he saw the first finger disappear into Die’s puckered hole, and he looked up at Die’s face, seeing the pleasure written there. After a minute he added a second finger, spreading and scissoring them inside himself, and Kyo found that this was incredibly erotic to watch, Die with his legs open, thrusting his fingers in and out of his own asshole. Kyo got his belt and fly undone and then stood, sliding his jeans and boxers off and kicking them aside, his cock standing out from his body, hard and weeping a little. 

Die couldn’t help but stare as Kyo’s dick was revealed, never having seen it like that. Arousal shot through him, and he groaned, adding a third finger and fucking himself harder for a minute before pulling his hand away and wiping it off on his abandoned shirt on the floor.

“Do you have a condom?” Kyo asked, stroking his length slowly.

“They’re in the other room,” Die said. “But I know you’re clean, and I am.” He shrugged. “So I don’t really mind, if you don’t.” He handed Kyo the lube so he could put some on his cock, and said, “Anyway, that’s pretty much all there is to prep.”

As Kyo started lubing himself up, and then wiped his hand on the same shirt Die had used, Die got up on his knees, turning around and sticking his ass out. “I think I can handle that,” Kyo said. He smirked. “But I did really enjoy watching you do it yourself.”

“I don’t really mind doing it, either,” Die said. “I mean, sometimes I finger myself when I’m jerking off anyway.”

Kyo bit his lip at that bit of information, his dick twitching. He positioned himself behind Die, pressing the head of his arousal against his entrance. “You’ll tell me if I need to stop?” He said, rubbing a hand over Die’s hip. 

“Of course, but just start slow and you should be fine,” Die answered, his hands holding onto the back of the couch.

Only a second later, Kyo was pushing into him, gasping, “Shit, Die, you’re so tight!” The feeling was almost overwhelming. Once he was all the way in he paused. “You’re sure I’m not hurting you?”

Die looked over his shoulder at him, “You’re fine. God, Kyo, you feel so good. Fuck me.”

Kyo grabbed both his hips and started thrusting into him slowly but steadily. It felt amazing and like nothing he’d really experienced before. The fact that this was _Die_ just made it that much more for him, and his pace was increasing before long.

Die was leaning his forehead against the back of the couch and moaning almost continuously. “I love how you fill me up, I can feel everything.” He was fully hard again, pushing back against Kyo’s thrusts, desperate for more, his fingers gripping the back of the couch hard. “Fuck me harder!”

“Ngg, Die, god…” Kyo did as he was told, snapping his hips harder against Die, pulling almost all the way out every time before pounding back into him. He reached around Die’s body, finding his arousal and wrapping his fingers around it.

Die let out a sharp cry as Kyo started pumping his cock in time with his thrusts. He was torn between bucking up into Kyo’s hand and pushing back to get Kyo’s cock deeper inside him. He ended up just moving constantly, trying to get more of everything. “Fuck, Kyo! Nn, so close!”

Kyo leaned forward, kissing along Die’s back as he fucked him hard. He dragged his free hand up Die’s thigh, scratching him lightly with his nails. He started kissing up Die’s shoulder blade and then biting down on it, never slowing his other movements.

Die lost it rather abruptly, shooting his release over Kyo’s hand and across the couch cushions with a shuddering gasp, his muscles clenching around Kyo’s dick inside him.

Kyo cried out as Die tightened around him, his pace faltering. “Holy fuck,” he breathed as he waited for Die to come down from it a little. He brought his cum-covered hand back to grip Die’s hip again and started thrusting harder than before, though it didn’t take long for him to reach his end and he stilled inside Die, groaning low in his throat as he came.

Die closed his eyes, moaning softly as he felt Kyo’s cock pulsing within him. “Yes, fill me up,” he said against the couch.

Breathing hard, Kyo stayed inside Die for a minute, leaning against his back. Then he pulled himself out with a quiet grunt and collapsed onto the couch next to his lover.

Die turned around and sat back on the couch too, avoiding the cum he’d left there. He smiled over at Kyo.

Kyo reached a hand out and Die took it, squeezing his fingers. “I could get used to this, you know,” Kyo said with a smile.

“Nah, I won’t let you,” Die said. “It’ll be a surprise every time.”

Kyo snorted. “Hopefully not _every_ time, I like to know what’s going on every now and then.” He kissed Die’s hand and then made a little guilty face. “Er, I came inside you, sorry, I should have asked what you wanted.”

Die waved a hand dismissively. “I don’t mind. I kind of like feeling like… I don’t know, like you claimed me or something.” He ducked his head, looking slightly embarrassed.

“Does that mean you’re mine now?” Kyo asked, blushing.

“I thought that was obvious,” Die said, pushing some hair back from his face and smiling broadly. “But if it wasn’t, yes, Kyo, I’m yours. And I couldn’t be happier that I am.”

Kyo grinned at him. “I’m yours, too, then.” 

And for once there wasn’t any nagging doubt in the back of his mind, or any self-loathing pulling at the edges of his smile. He believed Die, trusted him, and he felt grounded in reality by his hand in his, by pleasure for once rather than pain. The new year would be a good one.


End file.
